Guts and Balls - The Medical Definition
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: "OK, You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in a very painful death.

Dear Wife:

 

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

 

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

 

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

 

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

 

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case, I'm gone.

 

Your EX-Husband

 

P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

 

 

Dear Ex-Husband –

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

 

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

 

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

 

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

 

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

 

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

 

P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

A pompous minister was seated next to a Bechtel designer on a flight across the country.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Bechtel
designer asked for a  
whiskey, which was brought and placed before him.  The flight attendant then asked the  
minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The Bechtel designer handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
 
"Shit, me too ".   "I didn't know we had a choice."

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Lisa Clark

January 2015

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